So, I went camping last weekend. Which, for any of you who’ve traveled with me, you may find hilarious. After all, I’m more famous for my ability to ferret out great deals on boutique hotels in destination cities, all while keeping an eye on such criteria as “two-person standing bathtubs” and “champagne massages.”

Okay, I made up champagne massages, but now that I did, I am figuring out how to get one.*

Anyway, I got a lot of eyebrows raised at me for the fact I was going to camp, but ya know what?

SUCK IT, Y’ALL. I was the BEST CAMPER EVER.

For realz.

And here’s what I learned camping:

1. Go camping at a place with a ridiculous name. My amazing awesome writer friend, Lee McClain, gave me a few choices of where we went, one of which was BLUE KNOB. Seriously? There was no contest. There was, however, an insane amount of hilarity as we proceeded to “go up the Knob,” “go down the Knob,” “circle the Knob,” “dry the Knob,” “sweat atop the Knob,” “pitch a tent on the Knob,” etc. It never ceased to amuse us.
2. And then we learned that the little town next to Blue Knob was Frigid.
3. Woodpeckers suuuuuuuck.
4. Ambien is amaaaaaaazing.
5. You can make pizza on a fire!
6. I can build a fire! Sort of.
7. My fuck-off huge blow up mattress is actually a fuck-off huge CAMPING mattress. It’s like I always knew I was supposed to go camping!
8. You can get sooooooooo much writing done when you’re camping, mostly because there’s nothing else to do.
9. Hiking is AWESOME.
10. Mennonites sing a LOT. Also, I kinda want a bonnet.
11. If you do go camping, and you’re a writer, go camp-writing with a friend who is inspiring, kind, hilarious, and better prepared than you are. You’ll get a HUGE amount done, you’ll nearly pee yourself laughing, and you’ll have an amazing time.

That’s a pretty darned good list. And on that note, I’m going to bed. Because the twelfth thing I learned camping is that camping is tiring.

*No sex in the champagne room.