Hey folks!

I do love snark-tweeting a movie. I used to do it a LOT, mostly because I had no social life. Now I DO have a social life, and it includes people who apparently find nothing more amusing than taking me out to dinner, getting me a bit soused, taking me back to their house where we can watch films on big tvs, and then unleashing me on social media.

Annnnnd that’s what happened last night. The movie? Breaking Dawn Part 2, or That Fifth Twilight Movie, or Breaking Your Mind Cuz They Act Like It’s Fine The Adult Werewolf Is In Love With An Infant.

Yeah, that one.

To read the feed, you have to scroll all the way down and read them bottoms up. Everything in life is better bottoms up, so don’t complain. Also, at some point I got put in Twitter jail for excessive Tweeting (the noive of ’em!) and had to switch to Denise Townsend’s feed.


  1. Denise Townsend ‏@DeniseTownsend 13h


  2. But I’ve enjoyed live tweeting all of you, Twilight. You were beautiful, in a crazy, slightly patronizing, ultimately horrifying way.

  3. Okay, it looks like I’ve wrung everything there is to be wrung out of this vomitous mass.

  4. Did they take out the subplot of the female werewolf, which was one of the only interesting subplots there was?

  5. Lee Pace. Rhymes with no-no place.

  6. OMG it’s never going to end, is it? I’m trapped here, tweeting this shit, for eternity?

  7. “No one has ever loved anyone the way I love you!” -said every teenager, ever.

  8. She has the same facial expression in every single montage scene. Including when she’s drowning. And getting married.


  10. Yeah, you keep those hands in your pockets, Jake.

  11. “I’m glad she has you, fully grown man in love with my apparently five year old daughter,” said no real person, ever.

  12. Please don’t go back to the Nookie House.

  13. Siegfried and Roy are super pissed.

  14. Jacob’s excited! Renesmee will be full grown 7 years after her birth. Then they can GET. IT. ON. Feel free to vomit in your mouths.

  15. “I am half human. Half vampire. And all MAN.” *he rips off his loincloth and starts dancing*

  16. Why are all the “natives” not allowed to put on a pair of jeans???

  17. Dear god they’re trotting out more “natives.”

  18. IT WAS A VISION! Shit. Jasper’s still alive. DRINK!

  19. Seriously, their heads pop off like pez dispensers.

  20. Bella and Edward V. Michael Sheen! Who will win???

  21. Erm, are vampires made of porcelein? They break like Hummels.

  22. They be rippin’ off heads left and RIGHT in this mo’. Vampires should work on making their heads less ripple-offable.

  23. Carrying on ‘s stream over here. She’s taking a pee break. BRB

  1. . They decapitating errybody! Hide yo’ kids! Hide yo’ wife!

  2. I’m uncomfortable with Renesmee riding Jacob. I really am.

  3. Fuck, this is a dream, isn’t it? Nobody decapitated Jasper, did they.

  4. Please someone decapitate Jasper. Thank you.

  5. I’m glad Renesmee wasn’t around to see her granddad decapitated.

  6. Something’s happening! This wasn’t in the books. WHAT THE HELLZ??????? HE RIPPED OFF HIS HEAD! DRINK!!!!!

  7. Dear Jacob: When Bella says “take care of my daughter,” I don’t think she means that kind of care.

  8. Jasper is so lame. I’m sorry. But lame.

  9. Alice acting all spazzy! Drink!

  10. “You see, there’s no law broken here. Except for the one where they adult male is gonna marry the toddler. That’s fine!”

  11. Who is the other kid? The male Dakota Fanning? Was he Percy Jackson?

  12. Dakota’s character is wearing more liquid eyeliner every cutaway.

  13. They gave the only two women of color face paint.

  14. That’s like 1/2 a virgin. But I shouldn’t give Jacob any ideas.

  15. Did no one ever stop Stephanie and say, “WTF is half mortal???”

  16. How the hell can you be half mortal???

  17. If the baby makes out with Michael Sheen, I’m out.

  18. I love that Bella’s not made a single facial feature until she meets the guy who MIGHT kill her daughter, then she exudes disgust.

  19. I hope Bella’s dad turns up with a Rambo kerchief and mows them all down with a machine gun.

  20. Seriously, though, nothing happens at the end of this film. It’s the most amazing bout of nothing happens ever. So what did they jimmy?

  21. Why is Michael Sheen dressed like a member of a marching band?

  22. They are woefully outmatched!

  23. Where’d all those werewolves come from? They been breedin’. Hopefully not with toddlers.

  24. It’s all fun and games till Renesmee overgolds!

  25. The vampire locket is some bling.

  26. The Transylvanian vampires are ridiculous. They’re like Siegfried and Roy female impersonators.


  28. Seriously, when did dad get a girlfriend? And why aren’t I the one sitting on his lap???

  29. If Jake got Renesmee lingerie from “Santa,” I’m out.

  30. Did they use every grey outfit in the US to make this film?

  31. “Jacob will protect you. And then he’ll make you a woman.”

  32. I love how calm Bella is about letting her small child run away with the man who wants to mate with her.

  33. Bella got a bad case of the dressin’ like a slutz with her vampirism!

  34. I love how they act like Bella’s dad is so mentally deficient that he’ll totally accept that the granddaughter has grown like 15 feet.

  35. Not sleeping would be hell. Also, can this bitch not walk ANYWHERE instead of doing the vampire dart??

  36. What are you SAYING, Pattinson? You mumble! You’re an actor!! YOU HAVE ONE JOB!

  37. Please no more scenes in the Bonkin’ House.

  38. Every time the Twilight saga gives girls a bad message, like their human bodies are gross or children grow up super easily, DRINK!!!

  39. Bella practicing her triumphant face. It’s like that sweet relief when the Activia kicks in.

  40. Grrr rawr pushing daises guy can push my daisies….. Sorry. Hendrick’s talking.

  41. Ummmmm, Dakota Fanning has aged considerably since the first film.

  42. Seriously, Bella, Activia. It’ll sort you out.

  43. There’s a chubby vampire!!!! Chubby for eternity! She is SO pissed.


  45. Apparently, they’re not Volturi spies. They’re…. Transylvanian?

  46. The spies from the Volturi are dressed like chorus boys from the Three Penny Opera.

  47. Don’t mate with those other youngsters too, Jake! Just “your” girl, kay!

  48. “I didn’t know your wife is a shield.”

    “A panty shield?”

  49. Sorry, there’s two. The other one has a bow and arrow.

  50. I like how there’s one non-white vampire. And she’s “exotic,” in the most offensive way possible.

  51. I feel funny in my no-no place!!!!


  53. They have some supermodelesque vampires in pygmy gear??? CULTURAL SENSITIVITY.

  54. For a species that can’t reproduce, Meyers’ vampires are wicked heternormative.

  55. Actually, why do all the vampires look like rejects from a Housewives of Miami pilot?

  56. Why are all the vampires so well dressed?

  57. K-Stew looks more pained than usual in this film. Like “not even Activia is making a dent” pained.

  58. Oooooooo They just pulled off that ladies arms and head!!!!!!!!!

  59. Baby butchers!!! Now we’re getting somewhere.

  60. I gotta give Michael Sheen credit: his ability to overact absolutely nothing happening is admirable.

  61. It’s like Pantene shat on all their heads.

  62. Volturi! Or Vultures. Or Vomitoriums. Whatever.

  63. Pattinson playing the piano! DRINK!!!

  64. Why don’t we just have all vampires in our olympics???

  65. The child just gets creepier as she grows up. Creepier, and creepier, and creepier.

  66. If this is Bella looking “more alive,” I can’t help but shake my head.

  67. Every time Jacob gives Renesmee a look of longing and you gag a little, wash the bile down! DRINK!!!

  68. Every time the vampires make-up lines are clearly visible, DRINK!

  69. Every time the baby gives us a freaky CG smile, DRINK!

  70. Every time Robert Pattinson gives us a long side-eye, DRINK!

  71. We need to start a drinking game to carry us through.

  72. There’s barely even enough to make fun of. I miss the “dad ripping a baby out of his wife’s stomach” shenanigans of BD4.

  73. “Dad, you’re going to have to trust that I’m fine. Pale, and withdrawn, and totally okay. I’m totally not in a cult. Really.”

  74. This is the most boring movie EVER. I feel bad for the screenwriter. She was all, “YAY MY CAREER!” and then “OMG WHAT IS THIS SHIT.”

  75. Also, vampire dad is super creepy. Am I the only one who thinks he’s creepy?

  76. The vampire family is the most boring family EVER. They’re like the Waltons on lithium. This is for eternity????

  77. I feel so old at the fact the only character I want to bonk in this shit show is the dad.

  78. For a movie that’s all about family, Bella’s human parents REALLY get the shaft.

  79. Jacob’s sad because they’re taking his baby away from him. And by baby, I mean baby. Literally, a baby.

  80. Doesn’t basically nothing happen for the rest of the book?

  81. Jacob’s watching his child bride. So sweet!!

  82. So basically, all they have to do for eternity is bonk?

  83. Feist, is that you? I’m ashamed for both of us.

  84. I expect more from two vampires than that vanilla shit. Really.

  85. Oh jesus. The vampire sex.

  86. K-Stew, y u look so surly all the time????

  87. Pottery Barn bed department is pre-programmed into the speed dial.

  88. Oh noes!!!!! THE BONKING HOUSE!

  89. I love Jake’s “I was never attracted to you, but to one of your pre-fertilized eggs!” excuse for crushing on Bella.

  90. B’s not pissed that an ADULT MALE imprinted on her baby, but that she’s “mine!” This is some MTV Teen Mom’s parenting right here.

  91. “It doesn’t mean what you think!” — said every pedophile, ever

  92. Oh dear god. Is this the awkward moment when Jacob explains he’s mated to the INFANT?

  93. Jacob is so protective of Renesmee!!! TILL HE SCREWS HER.


  95. Also, creepy baby is creepy.

  96. Renesmee is the stupidest name EVER. If that becomes a thing, to name your baby that, I’m ripping out my uterus in protest.

  97. “Wanna come meet your daughter? We’ve left her this WHOLE TIME with the adult male who thinks he’s mated to her. It’s fine!”

  98. The reason Jacob hasn’t left yo’ house is cause he wants to screw yo’ baby. Which apparently is fine with everyone!

  99. How does she have NO blood on her? She just ripped into the throat of that wildcat like a …. wildcat.

  100. She just went HOUSE on that puma! Puma 0 – Bella 456.

  101. K-Stew has opened up her acting repertoire to impassioned grunting. Impressive.

  102. Or is she gonna eat the rangy human in green lycra???????

  103. I want Bella to just rip into all that fucking wildlife. Just start tearing its throats out and BATHING in its blood.

  104. Now that Bella is no longer a gross, real human teenager with a gross, real teen body, she’s so SEXY!

  105. She’s all strong when she pulls him towards him. If they f-ed up that many beds when she was human, Pottery Barn is gonna be rich.

  106. It’s like a bunch of Apple employees made a movie.


  108. Opens with her as a vampire. I’m already gagging.

  109. The music is very moody. Almost as moody as an adult werewolf who has to wait for his toddler-bride to grow ups.

  110. “He gave her the Dakota Fanning. She nearly passed out.”

  111. Dakota Fanning sounds dirty. I’m sorry. But it does.

  112. The family portrait in the title page is already freaking me out.

  113. There’s an extended edition of Breaking Dawn part 1? Does it include an actual make out scene with the baby?

  114. And it’s starting. Lionsgate, I’ve got high hopes after the “man falls in love with baby and it’s okay” montage from BD4.

Posted by Nicole Peeler

Author, Professor, Lover, Fighter


  1. So when are you going to have a contest to win " a movie night with Nicole Peeler?" Winner brings copious amounts of alcohol and Ms. Peeler picks the movie.

  2. You're pretty smart for a first time camper. I was living in Harrisburg when I spotted Blue Knob on a map and had to try it out.
    The Park is all but deserted because of the recreational dammed lake North of Blue Knob.

    After setting up my tent a ranger dropped by to point out the dented steel dumpster damaged by hungry bear. That first night a red fox came by my campsite on a fire trail but the bears stayed away.
    That was 26 years ago and I live in Oregon now but I still look for campsites with odd names.

    I never met anyone who had visited that area.

    Enjoy the New Year


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