MoviesNicole PeelerSnark Tweeting!

BREAKING DAWN PART 2: SNARK IT HARDER

Hey folks!

I do love snark-tweeting a movie. I used to do it a LOT, mostly because I had no social life. Now I DO have a social life, and it includes people who apparently find nothing more amusing than taking me out to dinner, getting me a bit soused, taking me back to their house where we can watch films on big tvs, and then unleashing me on social media.

Annnnnd that’s what happened last night. The movie? Breaking Dawn Part 2, or That Fifth Twilight Movie, or Breaking Your Mind Cuz They Act Like It’s Fine The Adult Werewolf Is In Love With An Infant.

Yeah, that one.

To read the feed, you have to scroll all the way down and read them bottoms up. Everything in life is better bottoms up, so don’t complain. Also, at some point I got put in Twitter jail for excessive Tweeting (the noive of ’em!) and had to switch to Denise Townsend’s feed.

ENJOY!

  1. Denise Townsend ‏@DeniseTownsend 13h

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  2. 14h

    But I’ve enjoyed live tweeting all of you, Twilight. You were beautiful, in a crazy, slightly patronizing, ultimately horrifying way.

  3. 14h

    Okay, it looks like I’ve wrung everything there is to be wrung out of this vomitous mass.

  4. 14h

    Did they take out the subplot of the female werewolf, which was one of the only interesting subplots there was?

  5. 14h

    Lee Pace. Rhymes with no-no place.

  6. 14h

    FOREVER. DRINK!

  7. 14h

    OMG it’s never going to end, is it? I’m trapped here, tweeting this shit, for eternity?

  8. 14h

    “No one has ever loved anyone the way I love you!” -said every teenager, ever.

  9. 14h

    She has the same facial expression in every single montage scene. Including when she’s drowning. And getting married.

  10. 14h

    MONTAGE!

  11. 14h

    EWWWWWW SCENE IN THE FUTURE WITH JAKE AND RENESMEE AS A COUPLE EWW EWW EWWW EWW *scrubs retinas*

  12. 14h

    Yeah, you keep those hands in your pockets, Jake.

  13. 14h

    “I’m glad she has you, fully grown man in love with my apparently five year old daughter,” said no real person, ever.

  14. 14h

    Please don’t go back to the Nookie House.

  15. 14h

    And….. MAKE OUT!!!!

  16. 14h

    Siegfried and Roy are super pissed.

  17. 14h

    Jacob’s excited! Renesmee will be full grown 7 years after her birth. Then they can GET. IT. ON. Feel free to vomit in your mouths.

  18. 14h

    “I am half human. Half vampire. And all MAN.” *he rips off his loincloth and starts dancing*

  19. 14h

    Why are all the “natives” not allowed to put on a pair of jeans???

  20. 14h

    Dear god they’re trotting out more “natives.”

  21. 14h

    IT WAS A VISION! Shit. Jasper’s still alive. DRINK!

  22. 14h

    Seriously, their heads pop off like pez dispensers.

  23. 14h

    Bella and Edward V. Michael Sheen! Who will win???

  24. 14h

    Erm, are vampires made of porcelein? They break like Hummels.

    Expand

  25. 14h

    They be rippin’ off heads left and RIGHT in this mo’. Vampires should work on making their heads less ripple-offable.

  26. 14h

    Carrying on ‘s stream over here. She’s taking a pee break. BRB

  1. 14h

    . They decapitating errybody! Hide yo’ kids! Hide yo’ wife!

  2. 14h

    I’m uncomfortable with Renesmee riding Jacob. I really am.

  3. 14h

    Fuck, this is a dream, isn’t it? Nobody decapitated Jasper, did they.

  4. 14h

    Please someone decapitate Jasper. Thank you.

  5. 14h

    I’m glad Renesmee wasn’t around to see her granddad decapitated.

  6. 14h

    Oh, Hollywood.

  7. 14h

    Something’s happening! This wasn’t in the books. WHAT THE HELLZ??????? HE RIPPED OFF HIS HEAD! DRINK!!!!!

  8. 14h

    Dear Jacob: When Bella says “take care of my daughter,” I don’t think she means that kind of care.

  9. 14h

    Jasper is so lame. I’m sorry. But lame.

  10. 14h

    Alice acting all spazzy! Drink!

  11. 14h

    “You see, there’s no law broken here. Except for the one where they adult male is gonna marry the toddler. That’s fine!”

  12. 14h

    Who is the other kid? The male Dakota Fanning? Was he Percy Jackson?

  13. 14h

    Dakota’s character is wearing more liquid eyeliner every cutaway.

  14. 14h

    PANTY SHIELD GO!

  15. 14h

    They gave the only two women of color face paint.

  16. 14h

    And a beheading! DRINK!

  17. 14h

    That’s like 1/2 a virgin. But I shouldn’t give Jacob any ideas.

  18. 14h

    Did no one ever stop Stephanie and say, “WTF is half mortal???”

  19. 14h

    How the hell can you be half mortal???

  20. 14h

    If the baby makes out with Michael Sheen, I’m out.

  21. 14h

    I love that Bella’s not made a single facial feature until she meets the guy who MIGHT kill her daughter, then she exudes disgust.

  22. 14h

    I hope Bella’s dad turns up with a Rambo kerchief and mows them all down with a machine gun.

  23. 14h

    Seriously, though, nothing happens at the end of this film. It’s the most amazing bout of nothing happens ever. So what did they jimmy?

  24. 14h

    Why is Michael Sheen dressed like a member of a marching band?

  25. 14h

    They are woefully outmatched!

  26. 14h

    Where’d all those werewolves come from? They been breedin’. Hopefully not with toddlers.

  27. 14h

    It’s all fun and games till Renesmee overgolds!

  28. 14h

    The vampire locket is some bling.

  29. 14h

    The Transylvanian vampires are ridiculous. They’re like Siegfried and Roy female impersonators.

  30. 14h

    OH GOD HOT PUSHING DAISIES GUY WITH THE BEARD YOU WANT SOME CANDY SUGAR???

  31. 14h

    Seriously, when did dad get a girlfriend? And why aren’t I the one sitting on his lap???

  32. 14h

    If Jake got Renesmee lingerie from “Santa,” I’m out.

  33. 14h

    Did they use every grey outfit in the US to make this film?

  34. 14h

    “Jacob will protect you. And then he’ll make you a woman.”

  35. 14h

    I love how calm Bella is about letting her small child run away with the man who wants to mate with her.

  36. 14h

    Bella got a bad case of the dressin’ like a slutz with her vampirism!

  37. 14h

    I love how they act like Bella’s dad is so mentally deficient that he’ll totally accept that the granddaughter has grown like 15 feet.

  38. 14h

    Not sleeping would be hell. Also, can this bitch not walk ANYWHERE instead of doing the vampire dart??

  39. 14h

    What are you SAYING, Pattinson? You mumble! You’re an actor!! YOU HAVE ONE JOB!

  40. 14h

    Please no more scenes in the Bonkin’ House.

  41. 14h

    Every time the Twilight saga gives girls a bad message, like their human bodies are gross or children grow up super easily, DRINK!!!

  42. 14h

    Bella practicing her triumphant face. It’s like that sweet relief when the Activia kicks in.

  43. 14h

    Grrr rawr pushing daises guy can push my daisies….. Sorry. Hendrick’s talking.

  44. 14h

    Ummmmm, Dakota Fanning has aged considerably since the first film. ‘

  45. 14h

    Seriously, Bella, Activia. It’ll sort you out.

  46. 14h

    There’s a chubby vampire!!!! Chubby for eternity! She is SO pissed.

  47. 14h

    OMG NOTHING HAS HAPPENED HELP ME BRING BACK PUSHING DAISIES GUY IN A WIG SO MY NO NO PARTS HAZ THE FEELZ.

  48. 14h

    Apparently, they’re not Volturi spies. They’re…. Transylvanian?

  49. 15h

    The spies from the Volturi are dressed like chorus boys from the Three Penny Opera.

  50. 15h

    Don’t mate with those other youngsters too, Jake! Just “your” girl, kay!

  51. 15h

    “I didn’t know your wife is a shield.”

    “A panty shield?”

  52. 15h

    Sorry, there’s two. The other one has a bow and arrow.

  53. 15h

    I like how there’s one non-white vampire. And she’s “exotic,” in the most offensive way possible.

  54. 15h

    I feel funny in my no-no place!!!!

  55. 15h

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THE GUY FROM PUSHING DAISIES IS SO HOT AS A VAMPIRE. SO. HOT.

  56. 15h

    They have some supermodelesque vampires in pygmy gear??? CULTURAL SENSITIVITY.

  57. 15h

    For a species that can’t reproduce, Meyers’ vampires are wicked heternormative.

  58. 15h

    Actually, why do all the vampires look like rejects from a Housewives of Miami pilot?

  59. 15h

    Why are all the vampires so well dressed?

  60. 15h

    K-Stew looks more pained than usual in this film. Like “not even Activia is making a dent” pained.

  61. 15h

    DRINK!

  62. 15h

    Oooooooo They just pulled off that ladies arms and head!!!!!!!!!

  63. 15h

    Baby butchers!!! Now we’re getting somewhere.

  64. 15h

    I gotta give Michael Sheen credit: his ability to overact absolutely nothing happening is admirable.

  65. 15h

    It’s like Pantene shat on all their heads.

  66. 15h

    Volturi! Or Vultures. Or Vomitoriums. Whatever.

  67. 15h

    Pattinson playing the piano! DRINK!!!

  68. 15h

    Why don’t we just have all vampires in our olympics???

  69. 15h

    The child just gets creepier as she grows up. Creepier, and creepier, and creepier.

  70. 15h

    If this is Bella looking “more alive,” I can’t help but shake my head.

  71. 15h

    Every time Jacob gives Renesmee a look of longing and you gag a little, wash the bile down! DRINK!!!

  72. 15h

    Every time the vampires make-up lines are clearly visible, DRINK!

  73. 15h

    Every time the baby gives us a freaky CG smile, DRINK!

  74. 15h

    Every time Robert Pattinson gives us a long side-eye, DRINK!

  75. 15h

    We need to start a drinking game to carry us through.

  76. 15h

    There’s barely even enough to make fun of. I miss the “dad ripping a baby out of his wife’s stomach” shenanigans of BD4.

  77. 15h

    “Dad, you’re going to have to trust that I’m fine. Pale, and withdrawn, and totally okay. I’m totally not in a cult. Really.”

  78. 15h

    This is the most boring movie EVER. I feel bad for the screenwriter. She was all, “YAY MY CAREER!” and then “OMG WHAT IS THIS SHIT.”

  79. 15h

    Also, vampire dad is super creepy. Am I the only one who thinks he’s creepy?

  80. 15h

    The vampire family is the most boring family EVER. They’re like the Waltons on lithium. This is for eternity????

  81. 15h

    *snores*

  82. 15h

    I feel so old at the fact the only character I want to bonk in this shit show is the dad.

  83. 15h

    HOT DAD!!!!

  84. 15h

    For a movie that’s all about family, Bella’s human parents REALLY get the shaft.

  85. 15h

    Jacob’s sad because they’re taking his baby away from him. And by baby, I mean baby. Literally, a baby.

  86. 15h

    Doesn’t basically nothing happen for the rest of the book?

  87. 15h

    I’m bored

  88. 15h

    Jacob’s watching his child bride. So sweet!!

  89. 15h

    So basically, all they have to do for eternity is bonk?

  90. 15h

    Feist, is that you? I’m ashamed for both of us.

  91. 15h

    Also, SHE JUST GAVE BIRTH.

  92. 15h

    I expect more from two vampires than that vanilla shit. Really.

  93. 15h

    Oh jesus. The vampire sex.

  94. 15h

    The bedz!!!!!

  95. 15h

    K-Stew, y u look so surly all the time????

  96. 15h

    Pottery Barn bed department is pre-programmed into the speed dial.

  97. 15h

    Oh noes!!!!! THE BONKING HOUSE!

  98. 15h

    I love Jake’s “I was never attracted to you, but to one of your pre-fertilized eggs!” excuse for crushing on Bella.

  99. 15h

    B’s not pissed that an ADULT MALE imprinted on her baby, but that she’s “mine!” This is some MTV Teen Mom’s parenting right here.

  100. 15h

    “It doesn’t mean what you think!” — said every pedophile, ever

  101. 15h

    Oh dear god. Is this the awkward moment when Jacob explains he’s mated to the INFANT?

  102. 15h

    Jacob is so protective of Renesmee!!! TILL HE SCREWS HER.

  103. 15h

    WHY IS SHE LICKING HER LIPS AT HER MOM????

  104. 15h

    Also, creepy baby is creepy.

  105. 15h

    Renesmee is the stupidest name EVER. If that becomes a thing, to name your baby that, I’m ripping out my uterus in protest.

  106. 15h

    “Wanna come meet your daughter? We’ve left her this WHOLE TIME with the adult male who thinks he’s mated to her. It’s fine!”

  107. 15h

    The reason Jacob hasn’t left yo’ house is cause he wants to screw yo’ baby. Which apparently is fine with everyone!

  108. 15h

    How does she have NO blood on her? She just ripped into the throat of that wildcat like a …. wildcat.

  109. 15h

    She just went HOUSE on that puma! Puma 0 – Bella 456.

  110. 15h

    K-Stew has opened up her acting repertoire to impassioned grunting. Impressive.

  111. 15h

    She climbs like a mofo.

  112. 15h

    Or is she gonna eat the rangy human in green lycra???????

  113. 15h

    Oh wait, she is.

  114. 15h

    I want Bella to just rip into all that fucking wildlife. Just start tearing its throats out and BATHING in its blood.

  115. 15h

    Now that Bella is no longer a gross, real human teenager with a gross, real teen body, she’s so SEXY!

  116. 15h

    She’s all strong when she pulls him towards him. If they f-ed up that many beds when she was human, Pottery Barn is gonna be rich.

  117. 15h

    It’s like a bunch of Apple employees made a movie.

  118. 15h

    WHY DO NEITHER OF THEM HAVE ANY AFFECT??????

  119. 15h

    Opens with her as a vampire. I’m already gagging.

  120. 15h

    The music is very moody. Almost as moody as an adult werewolf who has to wait for his toddler-bride to grow ups.

  121. 15h

    “He gave her the Dakota Fanning. She nearly passed out.”

  122. 15h

    Dakota Fanning sounds dirty. I’m sorry. But it does.

  123. 15h

    The family portrait in the title page is already freaking me out.

  124. 15h

    There’s an extended edition of Breaking Dawn part 1? Does it include an actual make out scene with the baby?

  125. 15h

    And it’s starting. Lionsgate, I’ve got high hopes after the “man falls in love with baby and it’s okay” montage from BD4.

Posted by Nicole Peeler

Author, Professor, Lover, Fighter

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2 thoughts on “BREAKING DAWN PART 2: SNARK IT HARDER”

  1. So when are you going to have a contest to win " a movie night with Nicole Peeler?" Winner brings copious amounts of alcohol and Ms. Peeler picks the movie.

  2. You're pretty smart for a first time camper. I was living in Harrisburg when I spotted Blue Knob on a map and had to try it out.
    The Park is all but deserted because of the recreational dammed lake North of Blue Knob.

    After setting up my tent a ranger dropped by to point out the dented steel dumpster damaged by hungry bear. That first night a red fox came by my campsite on a fire trail but the bears stayed away.
    That was 26 years ago and I live in Oregon now but I still look for campsites with odd names.

    I never met anyone who had visited that area.

    Enjoy the New Year

    Michael

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