Okay, for those of you who follow me on Twitter, you’ll know I have an almost obsessive fascination with the upcoming movie versions of the fourth Twilight book, Breaking Dawn. I read the shit out of those books, and the fourth was amazing. It’s like everything that was a little weird in the other books got together, decided to smoke some crack, and then wrote their own scenes.
*** HERE BE YER WARNING: There are spoilers following if you’ve been living in some hut somewhere and don’t know what happens in these books, but still plan on reading them.
Keep in mind, first of all, that the entirety of Breaking Dawn was a fabulous hot mess of crazy. I’ve never read a nuttier sex scene that wasn’t actually written than I did here. The depiction of Bella and Edward’s fast-growing, scarily mature child freaked me right the fuck out. And I can’t even begin to assess my joy at the batshittery that was Jacob bonding to a toddler.
But there was one scene that totally blew me away. Here’s the trailer, and the scene I’m waiting for is hinted at right at the end…
Yes, it’s the birthing scene. For those of you who don’t know what happens, and don’t care that I’m gonna spoil this shit like maggots on a piece of tenderloin, the birthing scene is FUCKING CRAZY. Here’s a bullet pointed list of the crazy:
- We get to HEAR an actual placenta displace! Really!
- Bella pees herself.
- Bella vomits a “fountain” (yes, really! A “fountain!”) of blood!
- There’s no need for an epidural as the baby BREAKS BELLA’S SPINE!
- Edward rips into his wife’s uterus like a hungry man confronted with a pot roast, delivering his own baby using his OWN MOTHERFUCKING TEETH.
- After delivering his baby with his OWN MOTHERFUCKING TEETH, Edwards proceeds to stab his wife multiple time with a venom-filled syringe.
- And this is when the whole Jacob-falling-in-love-with-the-baby-that-broke-mom’s-spine epic craziness begins.
Needless to say, I want it ALL. I want to see the piss darkening Bella’s jeans a moment after I hear that placenta rip away from her insides. I want that blood to FOUNTAIN like a goddamned geyser. I want to hear the crunch of the spine, and maybe get a little more pee as Bella loses all control over her lower body.
And for the ripping-the-baby-out-with-teeth part, I want it slow-mo, with much gnashing, and spitting of uterus chunks, and maybe some tears dripping from Edward’s eyes as he attacks Bella’s internal organs like a five-year-old with his first Pop Tart.
Then the stabbing should be done with gusto, as all venom-stabbings should, really. After which we cut to the grown man falling in love with the BABY which is totally okay, apparently, as they’re just going to be “friends” until the soon-to-be-stupidly-named-child is “ready for more.”
I’m tamping down the thrill, and the nausea, just imagining it all.
Seriously, I want that shit to be brutal because it’s what it deserves. Meyers didn’t fuck around when she wrote that scene: she apparently wanted it to be horrifying, and she achieved it. So don’t go pussyfooting around in the movie version, you movie makers!
Ideally, I want there to be YouTube videos going up all over the place with people’s reactions to seeing this birthing scene, just as there are for “Two Girls, One Cup.” Also, for the love of all that’s holy, if you don’t know what I mean when I say “Two Girls, One Cup,” DO NOT GOOGLE AND WATCH IT. YOU CAN’T EVER TAKE IT BACK AND YOU WILL FOREVER BE CHANGED, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
I still can’t eat chocolate ice cream.
Anyway, seriously, I want the film version of Breaking Dawn to do justice to the original, in its blood-fountaining, peeing, uterus-chewing glory.
Do me proud, Hollywood. Do. Me. Proud.