So I spend a lot of time thinking about shit. It’s kinda my job. I’ve also read a lot and I listen to podcasts and I do the things smart people do. But while I would like to tell you that I am now super smart, I mostly constantly realize one single thing….
I know very little.
In fact, I know nothing about a lot of subjects. And there are a whole slew of subjects about which, quite frankly, I know disturbingly little. Then there are the subjects that I’ve definitely read an article about, but I’ve forgotten what it said except for that one line about the chimps. That was a good line.
My point here is not to be self-denigrating, but to suggest that all of us, realistically, know very little. I mean, some of us know a lot, for people, but compared to Yoda or Data or Stephen Fry, we know dick.
This awareness of my lack of knowledge, however, means that I am pretty excited when I think I kinda figure something out. Now, the nature of my brain means that this something is probably not going to be a mathematical equation or something involving, erm, facts. My world is one of story, and narrative, and empathy–of attempts to trace the webs of intention and id and instinct that propel us crashing through life. I spend vast amounts of time trying to interpret these disturbances in the undergrowth; to figure out other people even though I know, because Philip Roth told me so, that we can only ever get each other wrong.* That said, I think I figured something out this year that is pretty gotdamned powerful and has maybe made me less of an asshole, to myself and to others.**
Here’s my little revelation:
I don’t get to be disappointed.
When I’ve said this line to people, they stare at me like one might at a misprinted fortune cookie. So let me explain.
What I’ve realized this year is that disappointment is a passive stance based on expectations I probably have no right to have, either because they are unfair or I have not actually articulated them to the other person…or to myself.
Let’s unpack that theory, shall we?
First of all, there’s the idea that disappointment is a passive stance. When I’m disappointed, I let another person’s actions define my emotional state. In other words, I cede my own emotional control to another person.
Meanwhile, this person may or may not have been aware I even had the expectations about which I am now disappointed. Here’s an example: I cook an amazing dinner, hoping that my friend will greet me with a thousand praises. Instead, he drops his bag inside the door and tells me what a shitty week he’s had, shoveling the food in his mouth as if it were prison rations rather than carefully prepared coq au vin.
Here is where I have to scrutinize whether I have been honest, to my friend or to myself. Did I tell him that I was inviting him not to dinner, but to an hour of praising me preceded by food, the intended subject of said praise? Probably not. Did I even admit to myself, consciously, that this is what I wanted? Again, probably not. But every chicken part I seared was probably accompanied by a fantasy of his looks of tender adoration as meat juice ran down his chin.
So I have invited him to my house under false pretenses, expecting a reaction I have not articulated. When those expectations aren’t met, I feel disappointment. I may allow my night to be ruined, or my relationship with this friend may be soured.
What I should do, instead, is weigh my motivation before I offer anything. What am I really asking for, when I extend an invitation? I listened to this brilliant podcast about communication recently, and Dr. Neha Sangwan was talking around this idea. In her example, I might ask a friend to go hiking, but she doesn’t want to go hiking. I feel disappointed. But this is where I have to ask myself: did I want to hike (which I can do by myself or with anyone else) or did I want to see my friend (which is not the same thing as going on a hike). If it’s the latter, that means I can say to my friend, “Hey, I just want to see you. What if I come over with some brie and we high five and hug it out?” (That last part was not Dr. Sangwan’s example. She’s much more sophisticated.)
Reversing Dr. Sangwan’s example is what I try to do nowadays when I feel disappointment with someone or something. I start with the feeling and try to get back to the root of what I’m really disappointed about. Almost always I find that it’s something I’m not being honest with myself about or it’s something I never articulated to the other person.
And then what do I do with that knowledge? First of all, it helps me let go of the passive feeling of resentment that disappointment engenders. I can say “Okay, I need to do better at communicating, next time.” Secondly, and more importantly, I also have to confront my expectations and take responsibility for them.
What I mean by this is that sometimes people genuinely aren’t treating you well or they’re not giving you what you want, or need, or believe to be fair. If I refuse to go the passive-disappointment route but rather expect myself to articulate what I want out of a situation, that means I have to take action.
Let’s use as an example the friend who always, and I mean always, bails on plans. I can continue to invite that friend to the same kind of events, and subsequently “be disappointed” when they bail. I can allow this to happen over and over until I feel so resentful that I kinda hate that friend. Or I can ask myself what’s really going on. Is this friend bailing because he really doesn’t care about me? If so, maybe I need to reconsider the friendship. But if not, maybe I need to reconsider my behavior. Maybe I should stop asking him to do things he clearly can’t or doesn’t want to do. I can find different things he might want to do, or I can say, simply, “Hey, I want to see you.” I can take all the energy that would have been sucked up by feeling sad and resentful and turn it into making the friendship work.
I’m still not totally adroit at this whole strategy of not being disappointed, but the process of working backwards from my reaction of disappointment is really helping. I have to ask myself what is it I really wanted from someone, or a situation, and often that question results in an epiphany of “Oh, what I wanted had nothing to do with that person” or “Oh, what I really wanted was unreasonable and kinda selfish.”
I’ve learned a lot about myself from doing this and I think I’m getting better at dealing with situations that would have driven me batty, in the past. Most importantly, I think it’s made me less of an asshole. Always a good thing.
What are your thoughts on disappointment? Feel free to share in comments!
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*American Pastoral. Read it.
**My only real goal at this point, since I’ve given up on ever having abs.
12 thoughts on “Something About Which I Am A Little Less Stupid: Disappointment”
You are so smart! And this disappointment stuff applies to parenting teens just as much as to friendships.
Yes! And to teaching! I remember a teacher in High School telling me she was disappointed in me and I was like "But I didn't know you thought I was a different person." LOL This process has REALLY helped me in teaching.
I love this post Nicole. I have studied Non-Violent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), a system that encourages people to identify needs and feelings clearly. I used to list "being misunderstood" as a feeling I sometimes have and the leaders would explain that "feeling" misunderstood is not actually a feeling, it's an accusation. "Feeling" disappointed is similar. When you break it down, the true underlying feeling might be sadness in which case it would be good to dig down and see what need is not being met (giving rise to sadness). Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts about this!
What a great post. I really related to your examples. And the insight is timely when expectations are so high around the holidays. (Applies to family relationships too!)
Yes! So many expectations at the holidays! Many entirely destructive.
Oooo I'm going to look this up! This is awesome! Love that idea of "being misunderstood" as an accusation. Brilliant!
What about disappointment in yourself…not having it stem from someone else?
Great question! I'm not a fan of disappointment in one's self, any more than I am of extending it to other people. I think we're way too hard on ourselves, especially as women. I get a lot more done if I pick up and move on than I do when I tell myself I've been wrong and bad, ya know? There's a great podcast I listened to recently that talked about this… I *think* it's here: https://www.emergingwomen.com/podcast/heatherash-….
So I think what I'm saying is that everything that's destructive about feeling disappointed about others is multiplied a hundred fold when it's applied to yourself. I'd rather get to the root of "why" I failed (did I not really want it? was the goal unreasonable? do I need to work on a sub-goal before I can reach the big goal? etc) than beat myself up.
What about the disappointment that comes when an editor says, "No, thanks, that's not what we want from you." I think disappointment is one reaction to rejection, and in this business…….well, you know what I'm sayin'.
Being and feeling rejected is sort of another kettle of fish (even though we often feel disappointment from being rejected). But I think a similar process holds, although I think you definitely have to let yourself feel rejected for however long you need to feel rejected, before you can start to process the rejection. I'm thinking of my big rejections. Like when I didn't get to the next round of the Rhodes Scholarship, after having this amazing luncheon with BU's president, who told me I was "going places," bless his heart. LOL I felt like I'd been kicked by a donkey. So I felt and felt and felt, and then I went online and read the bios of the people that DID make the next round. And they were 100% more qualified for that scholarship than I was. I actually started laughing, it was so ridiculous, and I realized that I'd never stood a chance–not because I hadn't accomplished good stuff but because I HADN'T BUILT AN ENTIRE VILLAGE FOR AID'S VICTIMS IN THE SUB-SAHARA. As for the book rejections, which have been many, each one processes differently. Some have been "nope, I can do this still, it just wasn't the right person," some have been "ya know what? maybe I'm not a motherfucking cozy writer" (duh) and some have been "Okay, this project is a dud." But I guess I got to those places through a process of 1) not taking it personally and b) looking at the work that's really in the equation. Sometimes my work hasn't been good enough, sometimes it went to the wrong person, etc. But that doesn't mean I'm not wrong and bad. Okay, I'm *sometimes* wrong and I'm often very bad, but in a charming, cheeky way. 😉 Right?
I have learned not expect that people think and feel as I do, or do the things I do. After a lot of rejection, this is a hard lesson. However, I keep moving, because I have to and need to. I think the root of disappointment is expectation or some sort of return, large or small. When the expectation is not acceptance it hurts. Not the psycho shit mind you but a good old child-like Faith kind of thing. Just gotta move on and not dwell one it.
Smart words and good action. 🙂
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