Well hello there, everyone. Today we’re doing something a little different at the Emporium. Because her most recent book, Dead Bolt, is coming out shortly, Juliet Blackwell is once again visiting, and she’s doing a contest.
But we’re trying something new.
In spending a lot of time with Juliet and Sophie Littlefield, one of the things Juliet often jokes about is that she’s jealous of us, with our genres’ flexibilities. For example, Sophie gets to write a lot of violence (and does so beautifully). Meanwhile, I get to write a lot of sex.
Juliet and I were joking that one of the reasons her genre–the Cozy Mystery–doesn’t get to do much sex-writing is because of their titles. If you’re at all familiar with the genre of the Cozy, you know they LOVE their puns. Here are some great examples:
The Long Quiche Goodbye (CHEESE SHOP MYSTERY) by Avery Ames
Affairs of Steak (A White House Chef Mystery) by Julie Hyzy
The Gingerbread Bump-Off: A Fresh-Baked Mystery by Livia J. Washburn
Liver Let Die (A Clueless Cook Mystery) by Liz Lipperman
One Foot In The Gravy: A Nashville Katz Mystery (D… by Delia Rosen
Due or Die (A Library Lover’s Mystery) by Jenn McKinlay
The More the Terrier (A Pet Rescue Mystery) by Linda O. Johnston
Shoe Done It (An Accessories Mystery) by Grace Carroll
You Better Knot Die (A Crochet Mystery) by Betty Hechtman
Ghoul Interrupted: A Ghost Hunter Mystery by Victoria Laurie
These are absolutely adorable titles, and they represent everything that’s great about the genre. Cozies are cozy–they’re delightful openings through which readers can escape into a world here nothing too bad is going to happen and where everything will be solved in the end. Juliet and I both love cozies and we both love their punny titles.
But can you imagine the amazing, car-wreck-happening-in-front-of-your-eyes nature of ….
AN EROTIC COZY MYSTERY’S TITLE?????
Just the thought had Juliet and me in absolute stitches, and that’s when we came up with the idea for this contest.
We’ll each be giving away a prize. Juliet will offer a copy of her latest Haunted Home Renovation mystery, Dead Bolt, and I will up the ante by offering to Amazon you a copy of one of Juliet’s other books, of your choice. So you get two books for one pun. 
But that’s the catch. We want you to come up with your own Cozy style, punny title . . . but for an EROTIC MYSTERY. The raunchier and more ridiculous, the better. I’ll be facilitating the contest, but Ms. Juliet Blackwell, herself, will be judging. We’ll announce the wiener next Friday, December 9, 2011.
To enter, just tell us your best Cozy Erotic Mystery title or titles (you can enter as many as you come up with) in comments, and Juliet will decide from those.
Best of luck! Or whatever other appropriate word you can think of, that rhymes with “luck.”
I Dream of Weenie – Hen Nights can be real trouble at The Pussycat Ranch. And by trouble, we mean murder.
76 Strong Bones In The Big Parade – Not since Caligula (or the 70s) has there been SUCH an orgy. Unfortunately, not just one, but FIVE of the participants died. The authorities are calling for madam Fanny Ryder’s head on a platter, so it seems that it’s up to her, with a little help from her friends, to solve the mystery.
Choosy Moms Choose Chip – Madame Extraordinaire Fanny Rider has a problem – her new male employee, Chip, is so popular that catfights have broken out in the usually convivial lounge. Unfortunately for Fanny and the Pussycat Ranch, one of the female clients has been found dead in the Ladies Room while waiting her turn. Is this a case of Soccer Moms Gone Way Too Wild?
Mmmm, chocolate.
Beat around the Bush (A Peeping Landscapers Mystery)
Cardinal Skin (Naughty Pope Mystery)
Twitter: nicolepeeler
These. Are all. Amazing. *dies* Seriously, I’m crying laughing. I think people should drink and comment on my blog A LOT MORE.
Okay, I can do that.
I’m sober again so I’ll get another drink.
Bobbee Gerson – excellent titles and story line. Very funny
*snerk*
More in the Sex the Seven Seas:
Pirate Booty
Yo, Ho and a bottle of Cum (that’s just for that dirty Denise – has a nice 2 girls 1 cup feel doean’t it? LOL)
Wank the Plank
Land A Hooker!
Oh man, it never ends! Pirate pR0n is the best.
Oh and Nicole, I’m pretty sure Pirate Booty smells like sea bilge and “dark spices”.
Oh gawd…
Thar She Blows!
*runs away*
Haha, Barbara thanks! And you’re not related to me by marriage at all!
Twitter: nicolepeeler
DARK SPICES!
“The Dark Spice of Death” –a Sodomite Chef Mystery
I want to read any and all of the pirate books. Loving this contests, keep them, um, coming!
~Ailsa
OMG Danielle, Beat around the Bush (A Peeping Landscapers Mystery)made me almost pee. *dies*
Rub One Out: A Massage-Parlor Mystery (A mafioso’s feckless nephew is found dead, but smiling, in a massage parlor run by a competitor… and new masseuse Touchée Yourbum has oil on her hands. It’s up to her fellow masseuse, amateur detective Happy Ending, to prove there’s no blood on those delicate-but-strong digits, too.)
Unhappy Ending: Another Massage-Parlor Mystery (Happy and Touchée team up to find out who tainted a batch of erotic oils with LSD, after a pair of tripping and very naked frat boys run out of the parlor, screaming about evil succubi… and right into the path of a city bus. The bad publicity – who said there’s no such thing? – threatens to close the parlor permanently and seriously shrink the girls’ income stream, unless they can solve the case pronto.)
Just had to come back and add a couple more, the responses so far have been truly brilliant!
THE COMING OF THE SEA MEN
HER LIPS WERE SEALED (A selkie thriller all the way
)
THERE SHE BLOWS
ONE IN HER HAND, TWO IN HER BUSH
DOWN ON HER CHUFF
and finally:
THE BREAST A MAN CAN GET
Ok that’s all I’ve got! LOL This has been fantastic. I hope making two entries (double entendre?) is ok, since I put a few up (hey-ho) there in my first comment
Lapful of Pussy: The tale of a girl and her best friend (clearly a cat, pervs); Missionary Style: Where Fashion and Religion Come together; and for the Pirate puns people have been making, has anyone said “Swabbing the Poop Deck” yet?
Ok on the Pirate Theme: Swabbing the Poop Deck
On the Massage Parlor Theme: A Touch of Pleasure
Couple I thought of while reading through the comments
Lapful of Pussy: The Tale of a Girl and Her Best Friend *insert kitty picture*
Missionary Style: Where Fashion and Religion Come Together
Sorry, I was having posting issues so I may accidently have multiple posts now.
The Sex Toy series!
A Vibe in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush
Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
The Belle of the Ball Gag
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Flogger
Pull the Buttplug
For Whom the Bell Clit Clamp Tolls
Oh, deary, deary me. Lawks.
The Garden Dominatrix series
Dirty Lawndry
In this economy, Tally Hoe isn’t getting laid, she’s getting laid off! The former landscaper and part-time dominatrix can’t catch a break so when her former submissive hires her to whip his garden into shape, she jumps at the job. She bolted when love started blooming between them but John is ready to put down roots in her bed and plant some seed. Before he can make his move, a decapitated body is found in the roses and when the police uncover a connection between the dead man and John, Tally has to find proof it wasn’t John who “deadheaded” him.
Make Him Mown
The only cane Tally Deere (née Hoe) wants to get her hands on is in her new husband John’s playroom but when she’s hired to take control of an unruly blackberry thatch for John’s hunky new neighbor, Briggs, she’s pierced with longing for a little two-stroke action. When Briggs turns up dead after a night of backfilling Tally’s garden, the threesome becomes a ménage a murder and Tally has to dig up clues to who killed Briggs before it’s her turn to be planted six feet under.
A Bird in the Bush
Divorced and with her ex-husband in jail for murder, it’s time for Tally to turn over a new leaf. A summer drought has everyone wilting but when she wins an all-expense paid trip to a landscaper’s conference in England from Shovels & Mulch magazine, things start looking up. Conference planner Radna Clyffe thinks all Tally needs is a down-and-dirty foreign affair and when a strange series of accidents threaten Tally’s safety, she whisks her away to a French cottage. Will their budding romance be abruptly pruned by the mysterious ‘Gardener’ who seems to be stalking Tally?
I can’t think of anything offhand to top what you’ve all come up with, but has anybody read Hamilton Crane’s Miss Seeton series of cosies? Particularly that fine example of the genre, Hands Up Miss Seaton? A classic.
No offense to anyone else, since there were some really good suggestions, but Juliet, I really think the Pussycat Ranch oughta win this thing. I’d TOTALLY buy those!