A Wiener for Juliet! And Speaking of Wieners….

Howdy folks! It’s Monday, and time to reveal the wiener of Juliet Blackwell’s Erotic Cozy Title Contest. The entries were HILARIOUS, and I can’t believe how hard I laughed. I’d say this was an (a)rousing success all around!

In fact, the entries were so good that Juliet very generously offered to increase the prizes offered so that she could choose some honorary mentions. The honorary mentions can all pick any book from Juliet’s body of work currently available on Amazon, while the true wiener gets a copy of Dead Bolt from Juliet AND any other book of Juliet’s available on Amazon from me.

Drum roll please! Here’s Juliet!

Nicole *really* knows how to make a woman sweat.  I’m just saying…I’m a Libra, which means I’m decision-making-challenged.  I’m like the anti George W. Bush:  I’m the indecider (or would that be the undecider? I’ll ask George, I’m sure he’ll know)

ANYWAY…the point is, I had one heck of a time deciding which of the entries for Best Erotic Cozy title should win our coveted prizes.  But after much consideration, having checked in with cozy perverts of all stripes, and accepting advice from drunk people in bars and, one memorable evening, at a strip club… I pronounce…

Several Honorable Mentions:

Toni in FL, with her Rub One Out: A Massage-Parlor Mystery (A mafioso’s feckless nephew is found dead, but smiling, in a massage parlor run by a competitor… and new masseuse Touchée Yourbum has oil on her hands. It’s up to her fellow masseuse, amateur detective Happy Ending, to prove there’s no blood on those delicate-but-strong digits, too.)

And Bobbee Gerson, with He Died Smiling (Fanny Ryder’s best employee ends up with a dead John. It happens sometimes. The autopsy, however, points to murder. Fanny must find the killer or her Employee Of The Year will lose everything.) ***Extra points for the title: Arse-Whips and Old Lace, for which the Pensfatales have developed an entire series set in the kinkiest retirement home in Florida, and in which Detective Domme is on the job.

And KL’s Sex Toy Series, especially The Belle of the Ball Gag, will be written by someone soon, I’m sure.  That title is FAR too good to pass up.

But the grand prize, because of her lovely coziness combined with a truly dirty mind, goes to Adrienne Merl!  She had three particularly cozy, yet thoroughly lewd, title ideas:

Summa Cum Loud: To avoid losing his tenure, a college professor will do anything to keep his affair with a student quiet, including commit murder!

Death Doggie Style: When thighs start heating up between a veterinarian and his assistant, murder comes barking!

…and…

Condoms, Corsets, and Coffins: When a Showgirl i na Vegas revue is murdered, a police detective goes undercover to find the killer.  He PULLS OUT all the stops to solve the case, while providing PROTECTION for the other girls in the show.

Yay! Will all four wieners please email me their addresses at iheartselkies(at)gmail(dot)com and we’ll get your prizes sorted ASAP!

Thanks to everyone for, er, entering. I enjoyed the contest immensely and couldn’t believe how funny these things were! I’m also inspired!

And speaking of inspiration (and wieners), I’ve got some big news! Denise Townsend has finally launched her website. It’s got a cover, information, and a pre-order button for Denise’s erotic romance debut, Ocean’s Touch, which comes out December 27th. It’s about selkies and if you like Jane, I really think you’ll like these. Denise is very close to me. Very. Very close.

If you have any questions about Denise, please feel free to email me at iheartselkies. ;-)

Thanks again and see you back here soon! ;-)

Guest Post: Philip Palmer on Artemis

Hello my darlings! Today we have an absolutely marvelous guest post from one of my favorite human beings on the planet, Philip Palmer. His new book, Artemis, just released last week and it looks great. I recently finished Philip’s previous novel, Hell Ship, and I thought it just as clever as its author. Please ask Philip any questions you may have in comments!

You might also be wondering about the winner of Juliet Blackwell‘s  Erotic Cozy Title Contest, all in honor of her release of Dead Bolt. Because of the time difference and people joining the contest late tonight (it’s Thursday as I write this), Julie and I thought it was only fair if she judge Friday, so we don’t miss anyone who enters after I go to bed. All this means is that she’ll be announcing her wiener on Monday, instead of today. So check back here Monday, and sorry about the confusion. It’s hard to organize a contest with someone on the other coast! ;-)

BEING A WOMAN

Philip Palmer

I had the idea for Artemis a few years ago, very soon after getting a book deal for my first novel Debatable Space.  Looking back at my notes, I see there are many major plot differences between my original concept and the finished novel. But the biggest difference of all is: Sex.

In other words, originally this story had a male protagonist.  But by the time I came to write it, Artemis McIvor had come along.  And instead of being a Guy story, it’s very much a Grrrl story.

There may be deep psychological reasons for this preference for female protagonists. Or it may simply be that I’m accustomed to the presence of strong females in my life. I am in fact the only male in my house, which I share with my wife Sally, my daughter Bess and my female dog Lucy (you’ll appreciate that I would not dare call ANY of these ladies a bitch.)

And I have fond memories of an SF novel I read in my teens called I Will Fear No Evil by Robert Heinlein, one of the all time great writers in the genre, who wrote the story a dying millionaire who pays a fortune to  have his brain transplanted into a new body; and ends up in the body of a woman.  It’s years since I’ve read this book, and the critical consensus is that it’s not that well written (since Heinlein was very ill during the writing process.)  But I remember being blown away by it at the time, with its amazing concept of a man becoming a woman. (Hey, I was a teenager in South Wales, and I’d never heard of gender change surgery back then.)

Up till that point,  you see, I’d been reading space operas featuring white Anglo-Saxon blokes exploring strange alien worlds.  But this was the first time I’d felt what it was like to be someone very different to myself; someone female.  THAT felt stranger than being yet another white bloke zapping aliens.

I tried to push this ‘being someone different’ approach to its limits in Hell Ship, where the main character Sai-ias is not only female,  she’s alien – with tentacles and a carapace.  And I have to say I felt very at ease being in her body. Indeed, for weeks after finishing the book, I yearned to go back to having tentacles and a cape.  Oh, the joy of being able to fly through the air, coupled with the ability to drink eight pints of beer at once!

Obviously all writers have to inhabit the bodies of the characters they create; and all readers do the same.  And indeed, one of the reasons I’m such a huge fan of Nicole’s Jane True books is that it gives me a chance to feel what it’s like to be HER, to be Jane – female, empowered, sassy, shamelessly sexual, and a selkie to boot.

If you’re a typical shy male writer however, it’s not often you get a chance to actually act out this fantasy – of being a Someone Else, who happens to be a woman.   But I did have that very experience a few months ago, during the script editing process for a movie I’ve written – a film noir called Inferno.

Now film noir is the home and origin of the concept of femme fatale – the double-crossing, ruthless sexy woman who stalks those means streets, screwing over men.  Kathleen Turner in Body Heat is a classic sexy femme fatale. And Linda Fiorentino, in the brilliant and very funny The Last Seduction, is just as sexy and even more fatale. She is in short an evil ruthless scheming bitch! And I love her to bits, even though she has NO redeeming qualities.

The femme fatale  in my movie, Elaine, is Welsh (don’t laugh! Welsh people can be evil and scheming too!) and in order to get a firmer grip on the character, I did a ‘hot seating’ exercise with my director, Marc.

Hot-seating is a technique I learned about many years ago when I was running writers’ workshops at the Royal Court Theatre. It’s an actor’s technique in which the actor sits in the aforementioned ‘hot seat’  and has to answer questions about his or her character, but always in the first person.

For some years, I’ve been using an adapted version of this technique with writers, of varying degrees of experience. It always works, sometimes astonishingly well; even shy people can be transformed by this exercise into the very incarnation of the character they are channelling.  And it’s therefore a great way to create a character when developing a screenplay.

Oddly though, I’d never had this hot seating technique done TO me (it’s by no means a standard script editing tool – I’m pretty much the only drama script editor I know who does it.)  But I briefed my director on how it worked, and away we went.

And boy, I became that evil scheming bitch.   Every question I was asked, I knew the answer, in infinite detail.  I discovered truths about my character’s childhood. I knew all about the lies she had told, including those that weren’t in my actual story.  I knew how she was able to get her way by playing mind games and exploiting her charisma.  I knew her vulnerabilities and her fears.

I had by this point written Lord only knows how many drafts of this script; but it wasn’t until I did the hot seat that I TRULY knew the character.

I even, at one point, got a little bit flirtatious with my red-bloodedly heterosexual male director.  Luckily he called a halt to proceedings, before things got out of hand.

Ahem. Moving on.

It was, in short an extraordinary and empowering experience. Yes of course, as a novelist I do this all the time – every character I create I ‘inhabit’ and feel and know.  And as a reader I do this too; when I read one of  Nicole’s books I BECOME Jane True; when I read a Lilith Saintcrow book I become, in the same way, Dante Valentine, or Jill Kismet. And when I read George R.R. Martin…it’s out with the winter woolies.

But the vicarious experience of writing or reading a character is not quite so intense as actually acting out the role.  Bear in mind I’m the world’s worst actor; I’ve never had the experience of standing on stage and pretending to be someone else. But by means of this hot seat exercise, I was able to make like a Method Actor, and BE my character.

And boy, I miss being evil, and sexy, and scheming. (Almost as much as I miss having those tentacles.)

Artemis herself has a few things in common with the character from my character in my movie;  namely, she’s ruthless and scheming.  But she’s very different in one major respect; she never lies.  Artemis is a rare example of the ‘reliable narrator’.  When she does bad stuff, she tells you about it; she may lie to get her way in the story, but she never lies to her reader.  That makes her a more complex and more unexpected character than my Welsh femme fatale. 

And if at some point I write another novel featuring Artemis, maybe I should hot seat her too;  to feel the unique joy of being Artemis McIvor at first hand…

What a great post, and what great advice for aspiring writers. I tell my students something similar about knowing their character’s ins and outs… even the things that would never come up in a book. But I’ve never thought about how productive it could be to actually workshop this idea. Needless to say,  I’m thinking about how I can incorporate this idea into my undergraduate Writing Urban Fantasy course next semester.

If you have any questions for Philip, please ask them in comments.

And see you back here on Monday for Julie’s wiener!

 

 

 

Updates and a New Thing I Like

Hello may pretties!

For those who follow me on Twitter, especially, you probably know I’m sitting on enough eggs that when stuff starts hatching, it’s going to be like an ejector seat.

And I was hoping that this blog post would be able to reveal some of those things, but I’ve been muzzled again. ;-)

I can tell you that there’s something very fun coming your way mid-January that’s not something Jane, but it is something from her Trueniverse.  And that, eventually,  it will be  TWO cool things, and it’s literally torture not to be able to tell y’all about it. But soon!

Denise Townsend, author of gorgeously sexy selkie erotic romance, is also just about to be born, and I’ll let you know as soon as she’s ready.

So, in the meantime, I’m going to leave you with a reminder of last week’s Erotic Cozy Title Contest, being judged by Juliet Blackwell. It’s still going strong, but even if you don’t want to enter, be sure to read the comments. They’re hilarious.

I will also leave you with a new Thing I Like Very Very Much. So much so, in fact, that I’ve been listening to it slightly obsessively since I downloaded it.

It’s Of Monsters and Men’s debut single, “Little Talks.” They’re an Icelandic band, which only makes them even more adorable in my eyes. I adore this song and can’t wait for an album!

Another Juliet Blackwell Visit and Contest!

Well hello there, everyone. Today we’re doing something a little different at the Emporium. Because her most recent book, Dead Bolt, is coming out shortly, Juliet Blackwell is once again visiting, and she’s doing a contest.

But we’re trying something new.

In spending a lot of time with Juliet and Sophie Littlefield, one of the things Juliet often jokes about is that she’s jealous of us, with our genres’ flexibilities. For example, Sophie gets to write a lot of violence (and does so beautifully). Meanwhile, I get to write a lot of sex.

Juliet and I were joking that one of the reasons her genre–the Cozy Mystery–doesn’t get to do much sex-writing is because of their titles. If you’re at all familiar with the genre of the Cozy, you know they LOVE their puns. Here are some great examples:

The Long Quiche Goodbye (CHEESE SHOP MYSTERY) by Avery Ames

Affairs of Steak (A White House Chef Mystery) by Julie Hyzy

The Gingerbread Bump-Off: A Fresh-Baked Mystery by Livia J. Washburn

Liver Let Die (A Clueless Cook Mystery) by Liz Lipperman

One Foot In The Gravy: A Nashville Katz Mystery (D… by Delia Rosen

Due or Die (A Library Lover’s Mystery) by Jenn McKinlay

The More the Terrier (A Pet Rescue Mystery) by Linda O. Johnston

Shoe Done It (An Accessories Mystery) by Grace Carroll

You Better Knot Die (A Crochet Mystery) by Betty Hechtman

Ghoul Interrupted: A Ghost Hunter Mystery by Victoria Laurie

These are absolutely adorable titles, and they represent everything that’s great about the genre. Cozies are cozy–they’re delightful openings through which readers can escape into a world here nothing too bad is going to happen and where everything will be solved in the end. Juliet and I both love cozies and we both love their punny titles.

But can you imagine the amazing, car-wreck-happening-in-front-of-your-eyes nature of ….

AN EROTIC COZY MYSTERY’S TITLE?????

Just the thought had Juliet and me in absolute stitches, and that’s when we came up with the idea for this contest.

We’ll each be giving away a prize. Juliet will offer a copy of her latest Haunted Home Renovation mystery, Dead Bolt, and I will up the ante by offering to Amazon you a copy of one of Juliet’s other books, of your choice. So you get two books for one pun. :-)

But that’s the catch. We want you to come up with your own Cozy style, punny title . . . but for an EROTIC MYSTERY. The raunchier and more ridiculous, the better. I’ll be facilitating the contest, but Ms. Juliet Blackwell, herself, will be judging. We’ll announce the wiener next Friday, December 9, 2011.

To enter, just tell us your best Cozy Erotic Mystery title or titles (you can enter as many as you come up with) in comments, and Juliet will decide from those.

Best of luck! Or whatever other appropriate word you can think of, that rhymes with “luck.”

Today, I am the Wiener!

Hello folks! I know, I’ve been very quiet here at the Emporium. November is always a crazy month for me, what with the semester winding to a close. But this November was even crazier, because I did Nanowrimo for the first time, for real. Yesterday night, I plugged in my fifty thousand words, and I won! Yay! Here’s mah badge:

I’ve blogged all over the place about Nanowrimo, especially about why I think it’s a great teaching tool and what I think people can learn from trying Nano. But I learned some things about myself, too.

First of all, I learned how much I make excuses. I do work a lot and am pretty productive. But there are still days I “just can’t” write, or there are times of the year I falter in my productivity.

And you know when one of those bad times is, when I normally get no writing done because I’m “too busy”? You guessed it: November. Most Novembers find me insane with grading, insisting I just can’t get any writing done.

So I was more than a little surprised that, despite all the stuff I normally have to do, I wrote a fifty thousand word novella. And not only did I finish, I finished five days early.

Meanwhile, one of the reasons I finished early was because I wrote every day. Including on the days I teach, when–of course–I normally tell myself “I’m too busy to write.”

In other words, I’ve spent the last month learning a ton about myself and the way I write, especially when it comes to the excuses I make. In fact, I’m just about to start plotting my sixth, and final, Jane True novel, and I’m looking at the process in a totally different way.

So that’s been my November! Of course I still have grading waiting in the wings, but I discovered that one of the side-effects of Nanoing was not only being more productive in my writing, but also being more productive in my teaching. I knew I had to get those words done every morning, so I’d get my To Do list done everyday, no matter what. At other times, I sometimes let a few things slide till the next day.

As for everything else, there has been TONS going on. I have some really fun things waiting in the wings to tell you, but I have to keep mum just a little while longer. So bear with me, and watch this space! Soon there will be updates on some Jane Trueniverse goodies coming your way. And you might be wondering what, exactly, I was writing for Nano…

I’d tell you now, but then I’d have to kill you. So stay tuned and thanks for all the love and care here, on my FB, and on Twitter, while I’ve been so MIA. I really appreciate it!

Podcast: How I Plan For Nanowrimo (or Any Old Book, Really)

Hello my lovelies! FINALLY, here is the Plotting for Nanowrimo podcast that I made as homework for my university’s computer training. But I wanted it to be productive homework, so I made this. It’s about how I plotted my Nanowrimo project, but this is how I plot all of my books (although there’s more bells and whistles for the novels). Feel free to ask any questions in comments!

Follow this link for the podcast…

And thank you SO MUCH to Allison Pang for posting this for me, as I’m an idiot. I owe you dinner, lady!

Over at the League: Dr. Peeler’s Five Laws of Nanowrimo!

Click on the link below to get schooled in the Nanowrimo:

Hallo-Squee!

So yeah, I just sent in my revisions for Fury, YAY, and tomorrow I’m flying off to San Francisco! Yes, there will, once again, be ZEPPELINS OF MEAT. There will also be much bonding with my friend Jana, and we’ll be attending Juliet Blackwell’s annual party. FUN.

I will try to take pictures, and hopefully I’ll be inspired by my new, upgraded iPhone. But no matter what, have an awesomely fun Halloween. And if you get bored while I’m gone, I thought the movie 50/50 was very entertaining. Here’s the trailer:

See you soon!

Guest Post: Christopher Hennessy, Poet Extraordinaire

Hello my friends! Today I have the awesome pleasure of introducing one of my absolute favorite people on the planet, my friend Christopher Hennessy. I’ve known Chris forever now, and he’s an inspiration as a poet and a person. I adore him, and I absolutely adore this post about how a childhood reading sci-fi/fantasy helped Chris become a poet. Enjoy!

Hello fellow Selkie lovers,

I am not only a fellow fan, but I count Dr. P. as one of my dear friends. She has invited me to say a few words on the occasion of my debut book recently being published, for which I thank her.

A brief introduction and explanation: I’m currently an English Literature Ph.D. candidate at Umass-Amherst, have just published my first book of poems (yes, poems), but am a lover of all things science fiction and fantasy and even have the bare bones of a SF novel I some day hope to finish. And what I want to share with you is a brief story of a little boy fascinated by the fantastical and the futuristic became a poet—and the debt both he and poetry owe to the genre of speculative fiction, to writing that imagines beyond the present and the possible.

In my earliest writing memories, I am fabulist. I write about a talking proto-zebra who leaves the savannah on an epic journey into the big city to acquire black stripes; I write about a crash-landed alien who needs orange juice to fix and power his spaceship; I write about magical snow that slowly swirled to life (an six-year old’s homage to Frosty!). This wasn’t just what I wanted to write. This is what I believed writing was. The fables and fantasies and talking animals and secret bridges and little boys whose touch could turn anything to chocolate—these were not only my diet, they were having a kind of genetic effect on my imagination. I was being engineered on a molecular level as a specific kind of dreamer.  (If I were to trace things back as far as memory allows, I would find myself in a black movie theater in 1977…I am four years old…I am about to fall in love…I am about to watch Star Wars.)

Fast-forward to high school. I am trying my hand at Star Trek novel in which Enterprise-B is crewed by a chaotic assemblage of screw-ups, neurotics, and dreamers.  Sacrilege, I know.  But I wasn’t a “popular kid,” was decidedly not athletic and chubby and so was using the novel to help myself feel empowered—look at this world I’m creating, the power I wield! At the same time, a friend of mine starts to write poems in math class. As a hard-core reader and future English major, this blows my little rule-following mind. It is the most daring act of anti-math terrorism I can imagine. I start to write poetry, too. The poems don’t make much sense, as I recall. They were mainly about sounds and playing with white space on the page. Perhaps that’s all I could manage while I listened to the teacher drone on about quadratic equations. Or maybe, just maybe, I was feeling my ways along the edges of language because that’s all I knew of poetry.

I see this as a kind of nexus, where things merged and were clarified for me–where I went from a child copying the stories he loved to a young adult learning the power of the word—where I began to see language as not just the means to tell a story but as a way to celebrate the imagination, to draw from fantasy a sense that I was special.

As I type these recollections, I see how science fiction and fantasy were teaching me to believe in their power, to believe in my power, to believe that one could create anything one could imagine just with the right words ordered in the right way.  (I can’t help but think of Coleridge’s belief that poetry is “the best words in their best order.” Of course, I am also reminded of Fox Mulder: “I want to believe.” I need both of these references for my brain to work.)

As I flip through the pages of my book of poems, I see in those pages that love of the fantastical still at work, only now it’s not talking animals or aliens. It’s the love of speaking in another voice, (what the poem does so well)—like the poem in in which I am in drag as Rosaline from Romeo & Juliet. There might not be spaceships, but there’s a Winged Muse who flies high over the Azure Coast and drops words into an unknowing human being below. There might not be magic snow but there’s Icarus who flies to the Moon to escape a judgmental daddy Daedalus. Another about witches and a “ghost boy.” And of course poems where the fantasy lies embedded in the form—a poem using Google to create a collage, another built solely out of the deathbed words of the famous, even one poem addressed to a tuxedo.

I am so grateful to have taken this tour of the fantastical and of the imagination in my life and my poetry. It helps begin to pay a debt to my childhood loves that I now see are the very blood and being of my adult voice.

Learn more and read sample poems.

On Amazon: Love-In-Idleness by Christopher Hennessy

Movies I Like: Art & Copy

If you follow me on social media or are unlucky enough to have to put up with me in real life, you’ll know I’m obsessed with Mad Men. My poor students went through the first weeks of the semester being told how EVERYTHING WE WERE STUDYING WAS ACTUALLY DONE BETTER IN MAD MEN. My obsession is fundamentally abnormal, and is discussed here, in this blog post.

So I’m not going to bore you with more Mad Men adulation (at least until the new season starts). Instead, I’m going to bore you with my adulation of a documentary that, at least in the first half, was awesome to watch as a Mad Men devotee.

The movie is Art & Copy, and here’s the trailer:

I love documentaries as much as I love Mad Men, and when I’m not tweeting my #lessonsdumadmen, I’m tweeting my outrageously excited reactions to things I just learned in a documentary. But I found Art & Copy to be so riveting, I couldn’t even tweet it.

The first half of the film is perfect for anyone who loves Mad Men. They talk about the age of advertising in which Mad Men is set, and they even discuss some of the real ad campaigns that Mad Men references, often as successful campaigns created by Don Draper. It was also interesting to see the “real” Peggys: the women who became powerhouses of their industry at a time when most women were relegated to the secretarial pool.

But the whole move was a fascinating reflection on how advertising works in our society in general, as well as its effect on our culture. For you creative types out there, it was also–especially in the second half–a really fascinating riff on creativity and the creative spirit.

If you’re not interested in anything I’ve mentioned, the second half of the documentary is worth a watch just for the interior design of the headquarters of the top firms. I gotta say, I wish writers could have offices like the big advertising companies. If any of y’all want an Urban Fantasist In Residence, I am THERE. Especially any of you in NYC or Frisco. Just sayin’. ;-)

Bottom line: if you like Mad Men, like a good documentary, or are interested in either the nature of creativity or the effects of advertising on our culture, you should love Art & Copy.

And wait till you see the Nest! That’s all I’m saying. Nest.