Okay, for those of you who follow me on Twitter, you’ll know I have an almost obsessive fascination with the upcoming movie versions of the fourth Twilight book, Breaking Dawn. I read the shit out of those books, and the fourth was amazing. It’s like everything that was a little weird in the other books got together, decided to smoke some crack, and then wrote their own scenes.
*** HERE BE YER WARNING: There are spoilers following if you’ve been living in some hut somewhere and don’t know what happens in these books, but still plan on reading them.
Keep in mind, first of all, that the entirety of Breaking Dawn was a fabulous hot mess of crazy. I’ve never read a nuttier sex scene that wasn’t actually written than I did here. The depiction of Bella and Edward’s fast-growing, scarily mature child freaked me right the fuck out. And I can’t even begin to assess my joy at the batshittery that was Jacob bonding to a toddler.
But there was one scene that totally blew me away. Here’s the trailer, and the scene I’m waiting for is hinted at right at the end…
Yes, it’s the birthing scene. For those of you who don’t know what happens, and don’t care that I’m gonna spoil this shit like maggots on a piece of tenderloin, the birthing scene is FUCKING CRAZY. Here’s a bullet pointed list of the crazy:
- We get to HEAR an actual placenta displace! Really!
- Bella pees herself.
- Bella vomits a “fountain” (yes, really! A “fountain!”) of blood!
- There’s no need for an epidural as the baby BREAKS BELLA’S SPINE!
- Edward rips into his wife’s uterus like a hungry man confronted with a pot roast, delivering his own baby using his OWN MOTHERFUCKING TEETH.
- After delivering his baby with his OWN MOTHERFUCKING TEETH, Edwards proceeds to stab his wife multiple time with a venom-filled syringe.
- And this is when the whole Jacob-falling-in-love-with-the-baby-that-broke-mom’s-spine epic craziness begins.
Needless to say, I want it ALL. I want to see the piss darkening Bella’s jeans a moment after I hear that placenta rip away from her insides. I want that blood to FOUNTAIN like a goddamned geyser. I want to hear the crunch of the spine, and maybe get a little more pee as Bella loses all control over her lower body.
And for the ripping-the-baby-out-with-teeth part, I want it slow-mo, with much gnashing, and spitting of uterus chunks, and maybe some tears dripping from Edward’s eyes as he attacks Bella’s internal organs like a five-year-old with his first Pop Tart.
Then the stabbing should be done with gusto, as all venom-stabbings should, really. After which we cut to the grown man falling in love with the BABY which is totally okay, apparently, as they’re just going to be “friends” until the soon-to-be-stupidly-named-child is “ready for more.”
I’m tamping down the thrill, and the nausea, just imagining it all.
Seriously, I want that shit to be brutal because it’s what it deserves. Meyers didn’t fuck around when she wrote that scene: she apparently wanted it to be horrifying, and she achieved it. So don’t go pussyfooting around in the movie version, you movie makers!
Ideally, I want there to be YouTube videos going up all over the place with people’s reactions to seeing this birthing scene, just as there are for “Two Girls, One Cup.” Also, for the love of all that’s holy, if you don’t know what I mean when I say “Two Girls, One Cup,” DO NOT GOOGLE AND WATCH IT. YOU CAN’T EVER TAKE IT BACK AND YOU WILL FOREVER BE CHANGED, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
I still can’t eat chocolate ice cream.
Anyway, seriously, I want the film version of Breaking Dawn to do justice to the original, in its blood-fountaining, peeing, uterus-chewing glory.
Do me proud, Hollywood. Do. Me. Proud.
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I am soooooooooo with you on this. I mean here we are, reading along with the books in the series, lalala, and then half-way through Breaking Dawn Meyers goes CLIVE BARKER on our asses. I want to see the CLIVE BARKER version of Breaking Dawn. I want the baby, right before Jacob sees her (I don't even WANT to touch that part of the story right now) to say "Your suffering will be legendary EVEN IN HELL." Oooh you got me all excited now! This has to happen!
I'm totally with you, but you know they are going to clean it up and make it all sparkly and romantic…I also enjoyed BD so much more than the others for all its twisted obscenity, and whenever I think about it coming to film it makes me laugh with glee. Whatever it is, it won't be as boring as Eclipse was.
I just wish that in the headboard scene they'd let Bella get on top. Wouldn't that have changed everything?!
Can I fly down to wherever you are and go to the midnight showing with you?
Actual childbirth is probably worse – don't know, do not want that ride at a Universal Breaking Dawn Theme Park. Well, if she was bleeding out (how many times is that now) and had a broken spine you are right – no epidural needed.
I can't eat ice cream now.
As far as I can tell, the only good thing about these books was this blog post. I think they existed just for you to unleash this awesomeness.
Girl, you know they can never make that scene as awesome as it deserves to be!
AWESOME. POST. That is all.
you are AMAZING and this post is AMAZING 😀 and i completely agree with everything you've said =D and i also agree that WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN. i can eat chocolate icecream fine… chocolate softserve however… 🙁
LOL, now I want to go read the book again!!!
Omg. His pos is amazing.
Nicole!!! LMFAO!!! AWESOME POST!!! I am so there with you!! This shit needs to be serious!!!
Amen. Also, I would like to add "batshittery" to my everyday lexicon. Brilliant post.
Oh. My. God. That was quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever read. Literally, I have tears! Thank you for making my day 🙂
Thanks, Spaz! 😉 I agree! CLIVE BARKER!
Jo T: I know. It's going to be all decorous, with little or no spine breaking. 🙁 But we can dream, can't we??? And yes you can fly to see it with me, maybe. Although it might be London, depending on when it comes out. 😉
Stephanie: You did NOT google it, did yo? 🙁
Ha ha, thanks, T.M.! 😉
Jordan: There probably IS no way to make it that awesome, you are right. But I hope they try. *sighs*
Thanks, Daya! 😉
Katie: You had to go to the softserve imagery, didn't you? *dies*
Robin: Right? LOL It's sooo crazy!
Thanks, Ms. Right! 😉
Exactly, Micaella! And thanks!
Amy, thanks! Batshittery is now yours, as well.
Ashley: Thanks! 😉 Glad to hear it.
Ok, so I totally agree: I am crazy about Breaking Dawn, and cannot wait to see this scene (incidentally, I also agree with Amy, "batshittery" is awesome.). I desperately hope the movie can come close to achieving the impact of the scene in the book, but to be honest, I think I'll be more amazed if they can truly do it justice. I'm still hoping. Anyway, my question is what music do you think will be playing during this scene and when Jacob goes to see Renesmee for the first time? When I read this scene, I always think The Killer's "Human" should be playing. But I think they'll go darker. Thoughts?
God! This was possibly the scariest blog post yet the funniest I have ever read! You make it sound far worse than it is. People who haven't read BD will probably have nightmares!!!!LOL!
I wish they would do all that you wrote except one thing; No tears for Edward. Vampires of Meyers world can't cry, they are far less alive than the ones in yours. Personally I like your version way better, I like my men warm!!!
HILARIUM!!!!! So I Loved you before But Now I LOVE YOU!
No Joke Breaking Dawn better bring it. No more babying it up for the youngling that read that shit. IF you read it you can watch it. That is my theory. Time to tear that shit up literally!!!
Hahahahahahahahahaaaaa. That was amazing!!! ¡Genial! You are so funny, you can kill Chuck Norris by laughter.
But seriously, I'll go watch this movie with huge amounts of alcohol on my system.
Holy shit. I might have peed myself.
Effin' hilarious
OMG! Don't you know you ARE NOT supposed to tell me NOT to do something? Now I absolutely have to, HAVE TO, google it. DAMN IT! I *like* ice cream. It's like my favorite food (healthy, huh?)
Off to ruin my life…
My eyes! My eyes!!
OMG!! Stop it! you're hurting me…. your hilarity is a fierce weapon, ms. peeler. Be careful with that thing, seriously. Batshittery…
Awesomest depiction of twilight EVER. You need to be in charge of the movie. 😀
Just so you know, I'm still laughing.
As if I needed further justification for adoring you the way I do!
LMMFAO! Oh. My. God. I literally almost peed myself because I was laughing so hard at this post. I love, LOVE the fact that you really appreciate the acid-trip-of-a-book that is Breaking Dawn. Your books were already listed as new favorites, but I think this post just shot you right to the top of the Favorite Authors list. Probably permanently.
I think I just fell in love with you honey!! You are now my new girl crush :), don't know how I'll explain that to my hubby and our kids but that's a different conversation LOL!!
I sooo couldn't agree with you more, the MOVIE MAKERS better do it right!!! I want to see it alllll and then some!!! Breaking Dawn has always been my favorite book and they better not F@CK it up!!!
Lisa: LOL Human would be hilarious. Maybe if they have Edward doing some dance moves in between his biting of the uterus? 😉 I'd love some death metal, personally. But I have no doubt they're going to soft light everything, and play some orchestral bull shit, and have it all in hazy cutaways from Bella's perspective, and since she's just had her spine broken and her babydaddy is eating her innards, she'll be passing out all the time. *sighs* But we can dream, can't we! Maybe we can choreograph our own "Homan" dace version of the scene?
Arezoo: LOL Now I'm picturing Edward all emo and "whatever" through the whole scene. "Whatever, I'm eating your uterus." "Whatever, I'm stabbing venom into your heart. Sigh." LOL
Damaris: Exactly! They read it in great detail, and our imaginations are always bigger than what a movie can produce!
Alexandria: Gracias! 😉 So glad you enjoyed it. If a Chuck Norris ever comes after me, I'll bust this post out on him. 😉 Thanks for commenting! And DEFINITELY have a few drinks before any Twilight viewing.
Jenny: Oh noes!!! Get a towel, quick! Before it sinks in.
Tamara: There's always one who has to go there. *sighs* I warned you! 😉
Petrafied: Apparently, according to the studio I'm not "qualified," whatever that means. *le sigh*
Shannonannon: Aw, thanks! Group hug!
Reets: It is SUCH an acid trip! And I loved it for that. And yay! I am glad to hear it. 😉
KrisM: I'm sure he'll understand if he can watch. Funny how men are good that way. 😉 Seriously, thanks for the comments and I'm glad you enjoyed the post!
I happen to come across the first two in the PX while I was looking for a book for my six year old son. They were in the teen section, but I liked the covers a lot, and the reading on the back cover with all the comments about how you and your books rock. When I read them, I quickly thought that these books had to have been in the wrong section!
Honestly, I have a hard time reading… most books can't keep my attention, even the best sellers like the Twilight Saga, even though I do like the movies. Your books on the other hand caught me, reeled me in, and put me in the basket for dinner! I read through them in two weeks, which is REALLY fast for me! I couldn't wait for the next one so I expedited it from Amazon, and pre ordered the fourth!
I think that you should make movies out of your books! I have even done some searching around for actors/actresses who could play some of the more dominant roles. Jensen Ackles for Ryu, Kevin Durand for Anyan, Emily Browning for Jane, and Linda Hunt for Nell. I know, I know I'm a dork! But every time that I watch Supernatural, I can't help but to think how Jensen Ackels would make a good Ryu! LOL
Anyway, I love your Jane True series and I hope you keep shelling out more Jane books!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
This is an EPIC post. I was laughing so hard, that I almost peed like Bella lol.
This was my favourite of the four books, and I have such high hopes, that I really hope the movie makers don't disappoint me. I've seen the first trailer, but not the one that you posted, as I'm at work. Sigh.
I want it all! ALL! I can't wait for the Edward-Breaking the heardboard-scene…[INSERT FAINT HERE] *goes to grab a mop for the drool*